By Isabel Siegel
Everywhere surrounding him, there was color. Noise. Energy.
A never-ending flow of life, constantly whirling around them. Everywhere his eyes darted, there was something new to see, something to make his heart leap to his throat. Everywhere he turned, there was a new vibrant, bursting color begging for his attention, a noise beckoning for him to wander near. Large stuffed animals, swinging from a display—there was even his favorite animal, a tiger! A balloon drifting from a child’s hand. The thick aroma of salted pretzels wafting through the air. The blaring clatter from a game, giggles and shrieks erupting every time another cup on the display was knocked down by one of the children playing. Yet every time his eyes finally settled on one game, a soft smile twitching upon his lips as he began to inch near it, there was something new screaming for his attention on the other side, until all he could do was simply stand and stare, mouth hanging slightly agape.
“Well…” The nine-year-old’s eyes slowly drifted up towards a tall man towering over him, casting a shadow over his small form and clutching his hand. A slight smile had already begun to inch on the man’s face, eyes gleaming as he took in the sights around him- yet there was something more in his eyes, almost wary as he gazed at the child below him. As if waiting for something. “What do you think, Jaimie?”
For a moment, Jaimie couldn’t seem to form noise, eyes swiveling around him rapidly at the always moving carnival surrounding him. His eyes widened, brown hair plastered to his forehead glinting under the afternoon light. Heart skipping a beat, he stood rigid and still, eyes transfi xed now on a stand where kids clutched water guns, frantically aiming them at a little toy swerving around inside. A small gasp escaped from him as the water nally splashed against the toy, cheers erupting as they collected their prize. “I thought you said we were just going to go get dinner.” He murmured, suddenly seeming rather rushed.
The man’s smile grew, letting out a small, bashful chuckle. “Well, I think this might be a bit more fun than dinner.” He squeezed Jaimie’s hand, who still didn’t move, gazing silently at the crowd surrounding him. “Besides, what’s the fun of something if it isn’t a surprise?”
His eyes drifted down to Jaimie’s small form, frozen as if his feet had been glued to the ground. Suddenly, the man’s smile faltered slightly, swallowing as he looked away. His words spilled out before he could stop them, tumbling out in a frenzy with forced, sticky sweet enthusiasm. “There’s games, you know. You like games, right? And prizes- we could win a prize if you want! And…”
His words continued to sound around him, slowly blurring to incomprehensible ramblings in Jaimie’s mind. The blaring sounds of the crowd seemed to suddenly be growing in volume, ringing deafeningly through his ears as his head began to pound, heat creeping up in his cheeks despite the cooler afternoon breeze. Everyone around him was moving, everyone around him was talking, and he was lost directly in the middle of it. A little girl squealed as she clutched a toy elephant, yanking on her mother’s hand and racing towards another attraction. A woman talked hurriedly on the phone, shrill voice ringing out around her. A group of teens broke out into laughter, shoving each other’s shoulders as they waited in line. Each and every noise melded into a swirling cacophony of sound, growing louder and louder in his ears with every passing second.
“Alex?”
Somehow, a murmur managed to slip from Jaimie’s lips, barely heard amongst the constant chatter. In an instant, Alex’s mindless enthusiastic fl ow of words cut off, like a music track abruptly screeching to a halt. His eyes flickered down to Jaimie, brow furrowing. “Yeah?”
“I don’t think I want to play any of the games.”
Alex frowned, turning to Jaimie once more- however, in an instant, it was easily replaced by a carefree grin, carefully plastered on his face. As if a light were being switched on and off, without any thought behind it.”Oh- that’s ok! We could get a snack, if you want, or I could just buy you one of those prizes…”
“No!”
Suddenly, without warning or before he could even realize it, a yell broke out from Jaimie, high and insistent. He yanked his hand away from Alex’s, breaths suddenly beginning to escape shallow and fast. His cheeks flushed, mind whirling as he stumbled away.
“Wait – Jaimie!” Without thinking, eyes suddenly tense and alert, Alex’s hand whipped out, latching onto Jaimie’s arm. A few passerby had begun to let their eyes linger on the sight, a few murmurs growing through the crowd. Desperately, he searched the younger boy’s eyes, sweat slick on his forehead and eyes wide and pleading.
“Stop it!” Jaimie’s voice had begun to rise in pitch now, heart hammering inside his chest. His breaths shallow and rapid, his eyes whirled around, suddenly taking in all the passerby’s eyes piercing into him.
“Look, Jaimie, we don’t have to do this-”
“You’re not my dad!”
Alex froze.
His breathing heavy and rapid, Jaimie slowly turned away, head pounding. Gritting his teeth, he furiously brushed away a few of the bitter, unwilling tears that had pricked towards his eyes, face flushed and heated.
For a moment, Alex didn’t say a single world, paralyzed to the spot as he stared below him, letting his hand fall idly to the side, heart slamming in his chest. Suddenly, there was a strange look in his eyes, as if that sweet affront of joy and enthusiasm guarding them before had been dropped. All of a sudden, he just looked completely, and utterly lost. As if wandering through a maze, never sure the right way to turn.
But the unspoken words were there. The words that always seemed to linger between them, no matter what sweet affronts lay at the surface. Even when smiles were forced onto faces, when hands interlocked together and lights flashed and everything around them screamed that it was perfect. There were always those unsaid words, bubbling between them, driving the final barrier. That made Jaimie’s hand inch away ever so slightly everytime he neared too close. That made Alex force a brighter smile on his face with every passing second, though his words died in his throat and the meaning beneath it faded. That made them walk a few small inches apart, instead of in a half embrace, or atop his shoulders, like the families surrounding them.
You’re not my Dad.
Slowly, his eyes met Jaimie’s. Jaded green unwillingly raising to meet soft blue. Two different eyes, two different people, somehow pushed together by fate. A door opening to an adoption center by chance. A click of a computer. Two bright eyes peeking out from a hallway, from all they had ever known, stepping out into something new. Somehow leading them both here. Slowly, Alex raised his eyes to meet Jaimie’s. A low, trembling sigh escaped from him. And carefully—tentatively—he began to talk one more time. One last time. This time, however, his words were slow, soft, each one said purposefully. No smiles on his face. No disguises.
“Look… I know I’m not your dad. I know I don’t know everything.” He paused, uncertainty gazing into Jaimie’s ones. When Jaimie didn’t say a word, he continued. “I didn’t know that you don’t like crowds, or if you like carnivals, or what games and snacks you like.” Slowly, he lowered himself to Jaimie’s height, carefully staring into the younger boy’s eyes. Jaimie didn’t look away, heart beginning to slow as he met his adopted father’s gaze.
“But I’m willing to learn. If you’re willing to help.”
For a moment, neither said anything, his words hanging in the air between them. And though the sights and sounds of the carnival still whirled around them, suddenly, it seemed far less loud, far less big, as Jaimie met his eyes.
Then, slowly, a small sentence slipped from Jaimie, tentative and quiet.
“Could we go get dinner now?”
A soft smile formed upon Alex’s lips. Carefully, he straightened up, eyes lingering on Jaimie. For a moment, his hand began to move towards the boy’s smaller one- but then, with a sheepish smile, he moved it away. Don’t overstep it.
“I think that sounds like a great idea.”
Yet as the two slowly began to wander off into the distance, disappearing into the dying afternoon light, the carnival fading to merely a faraway blur behind them, one last thing happened.
Jaimie took Alex’s hand.
